“Angelene was mesmerized. What was available for her to know? What secrets did the world hold? Which secrets would be revealed through the soil and which through words?”
Amanda Coplin in The Orchardist
I spent the early morning reading and painting. In part because I had book club, and needed to finish the book. But also, because I needed both for my soul.
Am throwing off shame like crazy these days. Easy to do because most of the shame that I carry is self-generated. Based in unrealistic ideals and fantasies of an artistic super-woman that doesn’t exist. Some chick who always cranks out finished product on time. Whose heart never trips her up and who never gets sideways over the opinions of others. Who makes her way in a straight path and perfectly takes care of herself and those in her keeping.
What? Crazy. I do none of those and all of them. It depends on the day.
Today I’m redirecting shame energy to painting and dreaming. Because that’s the path today. I stopped off at the mail place and put things in the mail. I fed people and I made it to book club, finally. It’s been months since I read a book for pleasure. It was a perfect blend of To Do List and me.
Deep breaths all around.
Showing up for them is easy. Showing up for me is new. A little itchy, like new skin after a burn. Which I was. Burned. Tired. A little checked out. Maybe a lot checked out, but surviving.
Have been clearing out photo files and found these treasures.
That was 2010, so I updated the list:
Less I’m not enough and more this is where I am today.
Less yes, because you need me and more no that doesn’t work for me.
Less reacting to what’s out there and more responding to my knowing.
Less I have to and more I get to.
Less look at what I didn’t get to and more I’ve been a part of this.
Less shame and more grace.
Be in your life,